Fun With Lovecraft
by Razell
Summary: Various Lovecraftian Characters in humorous situations. Characters copyright H.P. Lovecraft, Lin Carter, Brian Lumley etc...
1. Chapter 1

Fun With Lovecraft

Chapter 1

Idd-Ya

Idd-Ya waved a rugose tentacle in her husband's slimy face, "Wake up, you lazy lout!" But, of course, Cthulhu didn't move, _He's doing that whole Dead But Dreaming schtick again. _"I should've listened to my mother, she said to marry that Yeb, but no, I had to pick_ Mr. __Comatose_!" Cthulhu still slept, snoring loudly, "I swear it's all an act, this whole, _'I'm going to reclaim the earth for the Great Old Ones'_ is bull!" She kicked her lazy husband, but he didn't stir. "His own grandmother said he was no good, and Shub-Niggurath _knows_ men." She waddled into the other room and sat in front of the television, "Ah well, how about some entertainment." She clicked the remote, "Me Amore Maricia, No comprehende mala dispsitione..." Click, "Oh, John. I can't, because I'm already married... To your twin brother..." Click "Act now and you'll receive Buns of Steel for the low, everyday price of..." Click. "This city-state was the center of the Cthuloid Empire." "What is R'yleh." Idd-Ya yawned, "What is... _Atlantis_?" The stupid woman on screen stated, wrongly, bringing her total to -100 dollars. Click. "How many eons has it been since Cthulhu actually got off of his lazy fins and did something? What is, _never_?" She answered her own question. She picked up a magazine in a crablike claw, "Hmmmm... _Modern Parenting_... This is a few eons too late, even Cthylla is out on her own now... Just like Cthulhu to keep everyone waiting." She turned to a page of recipies, "Ah, so Shub finally shared her top-secret sugar cookie recipe!"

The cookies were baking in the oven, filling the house with a nice, homey scent. "If that fool ever does wake up, he'll be starving... Idd-Ya! Get me some fresh souls! Idd-Ya! where's my orange juice! Idd-Ya!... Awww... _Screw it!_" Idd-Ya pulled the cookies from the oven and put them in a paper bag for the thousand young that overran the complex, "Honestly, has that woman ever heard of _birth control_?" She shook her flabby, gelatinous head in consternation. "Okay, Lazy Cartilage, I'm leaving you if you don't wake up in five minutes!" One... Two... _Snoring..._ Three... _More snoring..._ "I'm not joking!" Four... Five... Idd-Ya grabbed her things, picked up her little cultists, and left. "I'm a _lady_, I need attention!""Ia! Idd-Ya! Ia! Idd-Ya!!! The cultists chanted from their people carrier...

Five eons later. Cthulhu opened his eyes and squinted in the bright sunshine, "What? I must have been _really_ drunk! Idd-Ya, get me my breakfast!" He paused for a moment, "Idd-Ya?" He stumbled out of bed, "Where is that woman?"

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Fun With Lovecraft

Chapter 2

Shub-Niggurath

Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young, looked out her window at the assembled cultists, "IA! Shub-Niggurath! IA! Shub-Niggurath!" "You're annoying me! Go away!" The cultists bowed before their goddess, clearly not understanding what she was saying, "Go away or I'll feed you to my Thousand Young!" "IA! Shub-Niggurath!! IA!!" Shub grunted and went back inside. "Moooommmmm! Andy took my cultists!" "Mom, Tammy has cooties!" "Then don't go around her. Andy, give your brother back his cultists!" "But I'm his sister!" "Really" Shub-Niggurath squinted, when one has a _thousand_ young, one tends to get confused, "Alright Andy, give your _sister_ her cultists back."

Several young clung to her body like leeches, nursing from her countless udders as she walked around to the living room, "Yog! Yog-Sothtoh" "Yes, dear?" "When are you going to do something about these kids?" "When I finish the paper, love." "You've been reading that same paper for two million years!" "It has some good articles..." Shub-Niggurath sighed, "And you got another letter from that Lavinia Whateley woman, you've been ordered to pay child support!" Yog-Sothoth looked up, "I'll take care of it." "Haven't you already, if you had kept your key in your gate instead of unlocking every door in the galaxy, you wouldn't have these problems!" Yog-Sothoth went back to his paper, "Hmmm... Ethanol is driving the price of corn way up... Nyarlathotep has the most diabolical mind I've ever known, using humans to destroy themselves in a futile attempt to cut back carbon emissions..." He laughed gelatinously. "Yog-Sothtoh, I was talking to _father_ the other day and he says..." "FATHER!" Yog-Sothoth jumped from his seat, "You were talking to _Azathoth_?" "Yes, I was." She stomped a half dozen hooves on the floor, "And he's very _unhappy_ with you fooling around, and when Azathoth gets unhappy, universes die." "I had to, I was summoned! I owed Old Man Whateley a favor!" "Well, daddy _doesn't _care! Cheat on me again, and you'll be dancing around the Nuclear Chaos until your pseudopods fall off!" Yog-Sothoth sturttered, "Y-y-yes, d-d-dear..." "That's better." She turned, "Nug, put Yeb's temple back where you found it." "But mom!" _"NOW!"_ Nug turned and tripped over the Furnace of Yeb, spilling Black Fire onto the carpet. "Great . . ." After she'd finished cleaning up the mess and wrangling her young into bed, she collapsed on the eays chair, "What a day . . ." Shub-Niggurath noticed one of her young sleeping overlooked on the couch. She picked it up and carried it to bed, lovingly tucking it in.


	3. Chapter 3

Fun With Lovecraft

3

The Most Evil of The Great Old Ones

In an age of hideous blasphemies and monstrous, unthinkable terrors, one vile creature rose to new heights of depravity and evil. This hateful abomination, an unthinkably horrid blend of man and animal, with his monstrous grin and diseased breath, led many unfortunate wretches to a horrid fate. I shudder even now as I think of that atrocious image, that soul-shattering horror, the most evil of all the Great Old Ones who lurk behind the veil of polite society! A horror more sickening than headless, daemonic Y'Golonac, god of vile perversion, more terrible than Dread Cthulhu, lord of insanity! That twisted blasphemy of corruption, that unspeakable beast of preternatural horror, _Joe Camel, The Smooth Character_!

Born of a vile, unnatural union between Shub-Niggurath and a camel in a tobacco field in some God-forsaken corner of eldritch North Carolina, The Smooth Character quickly took to his heinous mission. Donning hypnotic cool shades and an enchanted leather jacket, this foul thing picked up a handful of tobacco leaves, soaked them in horrid chemicals, wrapped them in paper, and began to smoke his hideous concoction.

The blasphemy quickly launched an all out attack on humanity. His face was everywhere, leering, a cigarette held between his thick, squamous lips! Through terrible cunning born in a damnably evil mind, Joe positioned himself to destroy mankind with his foul, unspeakable poison. His preferred targets were innocent children, he grew stronger with each young mind he corrupted, every young set of lungs that sucked down that godless evil! He flaunted this evil proudly, posters, billboards, commercials, cheap merchandise, the blasphemy knew no shame. Parents, greatly fearing for their children's safety, sought to end his reign of corruption, but they were no match for his mystical Shades of Coolness and his terrible Smooth Leather Jacket. Preachers condemned him, but the blasphemy served no god but foul Mammon, Lord of Greed, the media and politicians railed against him, but he laughed cruelly, blowing thick, viscous smoke in the faces of his enemies. It was feared that the whole earth would fall beneath his tobacco-stained paws!

Then, just as all seemed loss, a miracle! Joe Camel had peddled his venom to innocent children, but he had also partaken of his own foul poison! His lungs blackened beneath his alluring Smooth Leather Jacket, his eyes yellowed behind his Shades of Coolness, his teeth blackened and rotted away. The Smooth Character's illusions fell away as his rank breath began to come in hideous coughs and hacks. His enemies gained ground, his worship was banned, his idols removed and destroyed. Joe Camel was imprisoned within his mansion of death. He died of slow emphysema, dreaming of his glory days as _The Smooth Character_.

Sadly, his legacy lives on, most of those children he corrupted became addicted to his poison, dying much as their lord and master. And other beings, foul human collaborators, still sell that vile witch's brew of smoke and venom. I urge you, do not partake of such filth! For Joe Camel may not be _truly_ dead, but merely awaiting the day when his evil is forgotten by an ignorant, unsuspecting mankind, awaiting a horrible rebirth amidst daemoniac smoke and flame!

The End.

I assume the monstrosity is copyrighted by the Camel Cigarette company. I really don't much care...

_Y'Golonac, The Defiler_, belongs to _Ramsey Campbell_

My grandfather and several of my aunts have died due to smoking, so I hold no love for tobacco or those who peddle it. Despite the comical tone of this story, I really do hate smoking.

This is an intentional attempt at spoofing Lovecraft's hysterical style. It always amused me how Lovecraft used terms like 'blasphemy', I'm not sure he knew what it meant. And his characters always overreacted to even mildly disturbing sights, such as Richard Upton Pickman's paintings (Even before finding out they were depicting real creatures) or vague carvings of monstrous beasts. He did have some truly terrible creations which could conceivably drive a man mad, but come on, a painting of a man making an 'evil' face at a dinner table?


End file.
